You’re three hours into a game of Arkham Horror, the board stretched across two pushed-together tables with four friends gathered around, gazing down at the complex set up. Suddenly you catch a swift flash of movement from the corner of your eye and it feels like time slows to a crawl as you yell “NOOOOOO!!!!”
It’s too late. A cat has entered the landscape of your game, staring back at you with that questioning “Who, me?” head tilt. Your friends sit back, shoulders slumped in disappointment, game pieces scattered to the four corners of the room. Your quest is done.
If this scene is all too familiar, it means that you game with cats. They may be yours or a friend’s, but in every gaming family there tends to be a cat, otherwise known as a laser-guided board-devastator. How do you cope? I’ve put together a guide to assist when you’re gaming with cats, with each method of coping rated both in human and feline happiness.
The Banishment Method
This technique is simple:
Step 1. Pick up cat
Step 2. Take cat to the nearest bedroom
Step 3. Place cat in bedroom
Step 4. Shut door
Step 5. Game
Human Rating: 5 out of 5 smiles.
Cat Rating: 1 out of 5 purrs
Human Rating Re-do: 0 out of 5 smiles.
The Distraction Method
This relies heavily on having a friend that has no interest in playing the game that has been selected.
Step 1. Select a friend that will not be playing this game
Step 2. Friend selects a cat toy
Step 3. Distract kitty with cat toy for the duration of the game
Human Rating: 3 out of 5 smiles
This method may or may not work depending on the length of the game and how awesome the cat thinks the selected toy is. Best case scenario: the cat loves the toy, plays hardcore for five minutes, and then falls asleep. Worst case the cat does not fall for your lies and your buddy is left out of the game for no good reason.
Cat Rating: 2 out of 5 purrs
The Cuddle Method
Step 1. Entice cat to lap
Step 2. Pet kitty
Step 3. Repeat step 2.
Human Rating: 1 out of 5 smiles
This has a low rating only because the kitty in question will always prefer the lap of the human who dislikes cats the most. Any effort to transfer kitty to a lap of a cat lover will result in disaster.
Cat Rating: 4 out of 5 purrs
The ‘That One Guy Without a Cat’ Method
Everybody knows one.
Human Rating: 4 out of 5 smiles
Cat Rating: 5 out of 5 purrs